In Mountain Highs and Valley Lows

August 20th, 2010:
Jesus, I feel so far from you. And yet, as I see more and more of this fallen world, the more I become convicted of your truth.
Psalm 71:18 "So even to old age and gray hairs, O God, do not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those who come."
I think that the devil uses different tricks with people to stray them from the truth and for me it has been self-sufficiency. I believe that I can do everything on my own and that I don't have to trust anyone or anything else. I try to look perfect and put together. All of my material needs are provided for, so I don't have to practice faith. And then I become extremely bitter and jealous when someone beats me at my own race.
The Psalms are all about crying to God from a hopeless situation for His righteousness. Don't we face this every day? It is the poor, needy, and oppressed that receive His aid. We must admit this.

October 29th, 2010:
Last night I had an awful nightmare. One where I was trapped from an inescapable murderer. I remember thinking: this is what hell is really like. Not just furnaces and a little frustration, but complete and utter hopelessness. And then I prayed. In my dream. For the first time in a very, very long time. To a God I'm not even confident still existed.
And then I woke up.

January 8th, 2011:
I am HAPPY! Genuinely happy. Joyous, rather. Which is odd, because this day a year ago was probably one of the worst days of my life. AND I'm on the plane to San Diego, leaving Olympia for a much harder situation. Also, I'm away from the people closest to me. So, really, I have no real reason to be joyous. But I am! I know now that in any season, God is still God, and I am still not. He knows (because He created) the deepest desires of my heart and He will satisfy with only good things. Praise Him, praise Him, praise Him! I could write forever of His love and grace. I am a sinner. So is everyone on this earth. If justice were executed, we'd all deserve hell. But there He is. How can I even love you back?
PS...Jesus, don't let me give up on you. Not at the first sign of despair. Give me trust for Your ways and not my own. A sincere heart.

January 25th, 2011:
I gave my heart and life fully over to Christ. What a beautiful, heartbreaking, and terrific moment!
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 2:5-6

April 13th, 2011:
Matthew 9:21-22 says: "for she said to herself, 'If I only touch His garment, I will be made well.' Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, 'Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.' And instantly the woman was made well."
Where should I go, and what should I do, except live by this faith that you will rescue. Purge me from this, Lord, with fire that consumes me from You. I have found no other way. I am in a deep, dark hole. I just don't know anymore--You must lead.

In our last covenant group (hall Bible study) tonight, we finished the last chapter of Crazy Love. And then, our faithful leader Anne asked us to reflect on how we have seen God move in our lives through the ups and downs of the year. Most everyone shared some of their own defining moments, and how they could sense the presence of God at work in their lives. However, I was sort of silenced by my own reflections. This year has been such a roller coaster that it is hard for me to define under a single heading, or even a significant event. The entries above are random spurts of the notebook that I keep in my desk. As I read through my journaling of the past eight months, I was struck by themes that I hadn't seemed to notice before: fear of letting go of comfortable and controlled environments, the freedom in faith, and the consistency of God.

On a more external note: I had a great time with my brother during Easter, and then hanging out with Lindsay for six days. With both, we saw lots of the sand and sun, and were able to spend quality time together. Amidst their visits, I have been absolutely bombarded with work, and last week I had more than a few meltdowns over Computer Science. Oh, and I got my first C on a math test. More melting down.

God is still God. I don't have anything else profound to say.