22nd Place

Soooo, I went laser tagging last night. Picture a musty, dark cave with hoards of women-less, socially awkward, and overly competitive video gamers, all huddled together awaiting their 15 minutes of glory whilst Taylor Swift's "Be Mine" and Train's "Hey Soul Sister" serenade...and you're experiencing the "Ultimate Laser Tag Adventure." Ultimate, alright. And then there's me. And a couple of people from Loma that I didn't really know. We might as well have been at the zoo, observing this cult of strange creatures. I now know what Computer Science majors do with their weekends.

Well, it's finally our turn to get in there, deeper into the pit of hell, where they're supposed to be explaining how you activate your gun, shoot people, save yourself, etc etc. You know, the usual. Mile-a-minute explainer employee finishes his shpeel aaand.......it's game time! Thirty seconds into the round and I am blatantly ignoring Rule #2, sprinting up and down the levels, feeling rebellious and a little too much like a professional sniper. I'm aiming at people left and right, dipping and diving around corners just in the knick of time. I've even found a cubby where I can spot potential enemies without them even seeing me. Ahhh...so clever.

Yeah, really clever. My 15 minutes of fame shrunk ever so quickly to about 3 when I realized that I was SHOOTING MY OWN TEAMMATES and that the little music my vest keep making (super annoying) was actually informing me that I had been shot repeatedly in the back. Coooome on!!!!!! Can't a girl get a break?!!? I had almost forgotten in that 5,000 square foot war-zone that I can't even hit the broad side of a barn, let alone some minuscule flashing lights blazing by on a moving target. Needless to say, I came 22nd out of the 37 people playing. My friend Jon informed me that he had "a really bad round too."
He came in 5th.

Soooo, laser tagging isn't really my sport/thing. I sort of feel like I invested $7 into the offering plate of gore and destruction only to be epically reminded that yes, I am definitely still a girl, and no, I will never be able to successfully play games with guns. The night, however, was a blast regardless. :)

Free To Be Me

"At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me"

I often wonder about my attraction to mathematics. Why, out of all the subjects that intrigue me (writing, literature, psychology, law...) do I find such an unparalleled satisfaction in concrete methods and answers? There are no subjective theorems or debatable calculations in calculus; a right answer is indefinitely right and a wrong answer is indefinitely wrong. In this sort of system, "perfection" becomes easily obtainable. The processes are methodical and memorization is the hand that continues to build blocks upon a simple foundation. It's a beautiful thing, this world of logic.

Well, here's the issue: I tend to treat my entire life like 8:30 AM Calculus. 

I want perfection. Oh...even typing the word makes my heart beat nervously. As I continue to desire that p word, it is becoming my standard. For every flaw in my life, there just must be a flaw in my system. If my hair starts to look frizzy, it means that I'm not waking up early enough to tame it. (No, it definitely could not be that I live 600 feet from the ocean.) If a friend doesn't text me back in the acceptable hour-or-so response period, I clearly did something to upset them. (They for sure don't have homework or a job or a family or other friends. Nope.) If I'm not getting straight A's, I'm spending too much time socializing. (Things should come just as easy as high school, right? I mean that's why everyone gets into college...) If God doesn't constantly seem present in moments of pain, then I'm clearly not a Christian or He just doesn't love me anymore or I have been confusing myself with the elect. (Being a stubborn and hard-of-listening human just isn't an option.)

This way of living is obsessive. It's compulsive. And it's completely draining.

Even typing this is risky...the risk of transparency and revealed imperfections seems great. But, as I'm beginning to realize, life if not an equation. Each situation does not always have a perfect solution. And love, folks, is something without any adequate explanation. A daily basis of tight rope walkers is what we are: performing a balancing act of relationships, commitments and our own individualism. With our muscles straining and our minds tensed, we are careful to show no outward signs of struggle as we put one foot in front of the other on that tender rope. One wrong move and we'd be over the edge in front of the entire crowd. That perfect front that we've been maintaining would finally collapse. The fear of messing up can become absolutely paralyzing.

But, what if, just for a second, we let go of our precautions and the struggle to appear put together and just walked? Casually and confidently through the balance of life, unhindered and unafraid of the consequences? What would happen if we let down our guards for a second and showed the world that we aren't quite so masterfully put together as we may seem? Perfection can become a comfortable and satisfying addiction. However, I believe that in the release of this quest is freedom and deliverance: recognizing that God is a great Savior in the midst of great sinners.

It's January 15th...

...and I'm burnt. Crisp. Sizzling. The kind of heat that radiates through skin and bones, making sleep impossible and showers painful. You could fry an egg on these bright red arms of mine. Rudolph, anyone? Seriously, tell me it's the middle of July and I wouldn't think twice.

Along with a couple girls from my hall, I got a ride up to Ocean Beach this morning and was able to take advantage of the low tides and relatively secluded sand...burying our friend Jon and making sandcastles near the water. Yes, we were all acting at least 10 years younger. And yes, we got plenty of weird looks for it. But that's truly what I feel like...a nine year old. You know, the ecstasy of that first birthday party at Chuck E Cheese? The thrill of those (nasty) ball pits, or winning 17 tickets to be spent on a really awesome gel pen? Getting to discover Disneyland for the first time? Seeing that Mickey, Minney, and the princesses really are real? Yeah...it's kinda like that. We all are familiar with the feeling: enjoying the world as if it's for the first time, with no reservations or anxieties or worried second thoughts. My heart is happy and my soul is light. I just still can't believe that I call this place home.

The Eve of Loma

I'm so glad that my last night at home was spent in good laughs...and even better company. Now back to the real life it is!!

The List, by Marian Jordan

My current read: a crucial truth worth re-typing.

"There is a time for everything...blah, blah, blah, blah. It's not like there aren't four million books out there for single women saying all the same thing. So naturally my response was, Yes, yes, Lord, I know, but how do I make this season beautiful? Because if I'm going to be honest with you, the way I'm going right now is not so pretty. I need some serious help. You know...the supernatural--part the waters, food from ravens--kind of help. And in that emotional state of disappointment mingled with desire I heard the Lord's response to my question. He said, Marian, you need to exchange your List for my List.

Exchange my List? But we've been together for so long. What could this mean?

In the months following that flight I grew to understand more and more what the Lord meant by this exchange. My eyes were opened to see that my List was simply the worldly possessions, accomplishments, and goals I hoped and believed would bring joy and happiness to my life. But as I began to look around, I noticed an amazing truth--there were millions of women out there with their own Lists, and guess what--they really weren't that happy or content either. You can be married and miserable. You can climb the corporate ladder and feel nothing but despair at the top. You can have the American dream and feel like you're living a nightmare. The secret to joy in any season of life is exchanging our Lists for his List.

This book is all about his List--the biblical truths I've learned that make any season of life beautiful.
Married of single.
College student or senior citizen.
Mommy or CEO.
Bridesmaid or bride.
I've discovered that joy is not found in some future stage; it is available now for those of us willing to make the exchange."

2011: In His Time

My first blog post of the new year! How exciting.....

Well, here I sit, in my lovely QUEEN bed (oh how very soon I will be re-discovering the twin), realizing how ready I am to be back at school. No offense to you, beloved family and friends, but it's about that time. I, yes I, Masey Kole Schrader, who has practiced television abstinence for nearly 19 1/2 years has now become a victim of reality TV shows. It all started with 16 and Pregnant...then Teen Mom 1...followed by Teen Mom 2...and now... The Bachelor. Thanks to my discovery of Hulu.com, I have watched enough nonsense to fill my mind for at least the whole semester. Ugh, this has got to stop! I am hating myself for my addiction even as I type. Hence, as I previously stated, time for some routine again. And books. And that California sunshine. ;)

My three-week long vacation has been incredible. I have been given the precious family time, but also the R&R, that I have desperately been needing. I think we can forget sometimes that these periods of rest are just as crucial as any of the events on our demanding schedules. Needless to say, maximum time has presented itself for much sleeping and laziness because of the circumstances of this holiday season. One of my long-time good friends, Kirsten Thyberg, has moved to Sweden to be with her fiance, while another amazing woman that I have known through high school, Brenna Wood, is over serving Jesus in Africa for three months. To put the cherry on top of my friendless sundae, my sister and best friend, Lindsay Sauerlender, deserted me for California over most of break. A little taste of my own medicine, I suppose. :) Hence, this break has not been quite the reunion that I pictured. I am missing my three lovely ladies and feeling that gap of their absence. As a result, though, I have got to spend a good chunk of my time just hanging out at home. This would not normally have been the case, and it has been great to really feel like a family again with my parents and brother. I have also been getting to see other people that I wasn't necessarily as close to in high school, and experiencing the blessings of those unexpected connections. 

I am going back to a second semester of school rejuvenated.

But hey, what about that new year thing? January? Resolutions? Losing a few pounds...or that attitude? I think it's been stated before...I'm not really one for resolutions at a new year. I believe that any month of the year can be the right time to make a change. However, since my freshman year of high school, I have taken up an interesting habit in my journal every six months: listing 10 things I am thankful for (in the past half-year) and 10 things I am asking God for. It is amusing, to say the least, to look back at even my junior year wish-list--near the top was simply listed "A Date to Prom." This was clearly one of my shallower and more fairy-tale driven requests, but it's amazing to see how God tends to the littlest of things; often times, requests I may not truly be confident of myself. It keeps me honest and faithful. In sort of a vulnerable state, I thought I'd share with you my top ten prayer requests for the next six months (until May...from last November). I greatly appreciate your prayers, and I know that God will continue to respond in His time. Happy 2011 everyone! Cheers!

Straight from the diary of MKS:

1. Help to reach out and meet people

2. Ways to get more involved in Existence (my San Diego home church)

3. Erased 'Christianity' --new life in Christ

4. Be Christ to Gram & Pops (my grandparents)

5. Direction in my major/future

6. Solid guy friends

7. CONFIDENCE (capitalization included...haha)

8. Stay in prayer consistently

9. Know Christ on a new level

10. Knowledge through more reading